The Silent Power of Shame

Happy Thursday,

We talk about motivation and passion all the time. There’s a whole industry worth billions built on it. But we rarely talk about an emotion that can be even more powerful than both motivation and passion combined. I’m talking about shame. Something we’ve all experienced and fallen victim to, yet often avoid in conversations. Which is exactly why we should talk about it, and why I started Leadership Unplugged. So let’s dive in.

🧠 LEARN something.

Shame is the deep, sinking feeling of “I’m not enough.” Unlike guilt, which points to something we did (“I made a mistake”), shame attacks our self-worth (“I am not good enough”). Shame is also very human. It evolved as a survival response, keeping us accountable to social norms and connects to our need to belong; which also makes it a powerful emotion that can drive action. For example, an employee criticised in front of peers may suddenly work harder, or a manager who feels exposed might quickly lift their game. To the casual observer, that looks like good motivation. But psychologically, shame-based motivation narrows focus to avoiding further exposure. Instead of chasing excellence, people chase safety. We hide, minimise, or try to control situations where we might be judged. True motivation, by contrast, is built on growth, opportunity, and mastery. One is powered by fear and is short-lived. The other is powered by aspiration and lasts. One is healthy, the other toxic. One drains energy, the other multiplies it.

The problem comes when leaders confuse shame with genuine motivation, or worse, use it deliberately as a tool. This creates a culture of fear, where people hide mistakes, cut corners, or make poor ethical choices rather than risk embarrassment. Imagine an engineer who discovers an error and stays up all night quietly fixing it instead of asking for help. Or a new leader who keeps saying “yes” to unreasonable asks, not out of ambition, but from fear of looking unworthy. Or a senior leader who works until they burn out, or drives their team into the ground, to avoid losing face. We don’t talk about this enough in the modern workplace. But as leaders, we need to spot the difference, so we can be self-aware when shame is driving us, and socially aware when it is driving others. Because when shame becomes the primary motivation, you settle for survival instead of success.

🤔 REFLECT on an idea.

At a time when we value speak-up culture more than ever, I’m surprised we don’t talk about shame more. It’s a tough topic, hard to open up about at best, and in some cultures, still considered taboo. Yet it matters a lot. Because how we handle shame doesn’t just shape how people speak up, but also how teams build trust, collaborate, innovate, and whether people feel a real sense of belonging at work.

😊 SMILE a little.

The psychology of shame tricks us into thinking we’re the main character, that spotlight is on us and the whole office watching. Sorry to break it to you, but nobody’s tracking your every move. People are far too busy worrying about their own dramas. 😉

✅ DO IT to get results.

Based on decades of research on shame, including the work of June Tangney, Donald Nathanson, John Bradshaw, and most recently (and famously) Brené Brown, the antidote is vulnerability.

Yet many leaders misunderstand this, assuming vulnerability means sharing their deepest confessions or dramatic failures. Sometimes that has its place, but in daily leadership the most powerful act is far simpler: admit when you don’t have the answer, and invite others to help shape the way forward. That role modeling of behaviour not only signals trust, lowers fear, and opens the door to honest conversations, but also helps shape people’s internal narrative about shame and self-worth.

🌱 How we can support you and your team.

We provide strategic leadership solutions tailored to align with your business strategy, size, and budget. We can support your with:

• 1:1 Leadership and Performance Coaching

• Team Coaching, for high performing teams

• 1:1 Health & Lifestyle Coaching for busy stressed leaders.

• Workshops, offsites and team development.

• Or our flagship individual Leadership Coaching Programs.

Kia pai tō wiki

Kenny Bhosale

CEO & Founder, The Bridge Leaders