Is it ok to cry at work?

Happy Thursday,

A few years back, while facilitating a leadership course, I was asked this completely loaded question: "Is it okay to cry at work?" They really wanted me to say, “Yes of course, it’s okay.” But I didn’t give that answer, and it absolutely infuriated that person. Here lies the problem with the modern-day version of “emotional intelligence” in the workplace (air quotes intended); and this is impacting our leaders, people and culture. Perhaps it’s time for an critical and balanced look at what this really means; and that’s exactly what the Leadership Unplugged newsletter is for!

🧠 LEARN something.

For many years, workplaces have championed empathy, vulnerability, and the idea of bringing your whole self to work. That’s worth striving for. But in actual practice, what often happens is that leaders start valuing some emotions over others. Feelings linked with vulnerability, sadness, or compassion are celebrated, while feelings like frustration, anger, or competitiveness are frowned upon. Cry at work and you might be seen as courageous and authentic. Show anger and you’ll likely be judged very differently. But just pause and think, as human beings, we can’t selectively numb emotions. When you shut down one, you shut down all emotions. Plus, who decides which emotions are acceptable and which aren’t? Leaders often encourage teams to bring their whole selves to work, but if that means only sharing the emotions we find palatable, then that doesn’t make sense. Once you dig deeper, the whole facade falls apart. Because we’ve simply created a new social rulebook for what’s permissible, which is just as bad as saying “you can’t cry at work.” The result? People push down emotions that are deemed “unacceptable” but are totally natural. Not only is this unhealthy, but it also creates three big problems, and the third one is the worst!

Not only is this unhealthy, but it also creates three big problems, and the third one is the worst! First, we end up promoting emotional repression, not emotional regulation. If people were taught how to express the full spectrum of emotions constructively, we’d create healthier workplace dynamics. Second, we undermine emotional authenticity. When we cherry-pick which emotions are allowed, we’re asking people to perform a limited version of themselves at work. That drains energy and often prevents them from doing their best work. And finally, in the modern-day talk of emotions at work, we end up focusing on the leader’s personal feelings and entitlement to feel. But leadership isn’t about indulging in “How do I feel, or what am I allowed to show?” Leadership is about influencing others. So the real question is: “Is this emotion I’m showing helping or hindering the team?” If the answer is the latter, it’s time to exercise emotional regulation. That is the hallmark of an emotionally intelligent leader: being aware of your own emotions, recognising their impact on others, and managing both yourself and how you show up for your team.

🤔 REFLECT on an idea.

This highlights the problem of trying to decide which emotions are acceptable at work if we truly want people to bring their whole selves. A better approach is helping them develop emotional intelligence, and understanding how their emotions show up and how they impact those around them.

😊 SMILE a little.

We encourage our employees to bring their whole self to work and show emotions. But just not the messy, real, human parts. Only the ones that make great highlight moments for our culture posters.🤣

✅ DO IT to get results.

Flip the script and turn emotions into strengths. Emotions are just signals, and we can harness them constructively. Next time a team member shows a strong emotion (especially one that’s seen as negative, like frustration, anger, or anxiety), try this: “What does this feeling tell you that you care about? And what’s one step we can take to move toward that?”

🌱 How we can support you and your team.

We provide strategic leadership solutions tailored to align with your business strategy, size, and budget. We can support your with:

• 1:1 Leadership and Performance Coaching

• Team Coaching, for high performing teams

• 1:1 Health & Lifestyle Coaching for busy stressed leaders.

• Workshops, offsites and team development.

• Or our flagship individual Leadership Coaching Programs.

Kia pai tō wiki

Kenny Bhosale

CEO & Founder, The Bridge Leaders