Calm in 90-Seconds

Happy Thursday,

What’s one thing you don’t say to an angry person?

“Calm down!”

It’s like telling someone who’s sad to “cheer up” or a stressed person to “relax”. It rarely works, because emotions are not something we can control. In reality, emotional regulation doesn’t come from resisting emotions. It comes from witnessing, recognising, and working with them. If we want to lead with emotional intelligence (and help our teams do the same), we need to understand this. Let’s dive in.

🧠 LEARN something.

When an emotion is triggered (often by an external event), the body kicks off a biochemical response involving hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This creates the physical sensations we associate with emotion: a racing heart, flushed skin, tight muscles, etc. In other words, we have an emotional reaction. But according to studies by neuroanatomist (a brain and nervous system specialist) Dr Jill Bolte Taylor, this chemical surge peaks and passes in about 90 seconds - that’s it. After that, any continued anger, anxiety, or whatever emotion you are feeling is self-inflicted. After the initial chemical surge, we start to ruminate. Replaying the event, adding our own interpretations and judgements. Often, what we’re reacting to isn’t even what actually happened! These thoughts create a feedback loop, fuelling and keeping the emotion going. When you are in that spiral, you’re no longer reacting to the event. You’re reacting to the story you’ve told yourself about it.

As leaders, we often don’t have the luxury of stewing and festering. We need to notice, regulate, and reset quickly. Emotionally intelligent humans learn to observe emotions without fuelling them. This isn’t about suppressing how you feel. It’s about recognising and understanding how your brain and body work. If you’ve built a pattern of overthinking (especially under stress) then it won’t be easy. But awareness is the first step. If you’re aware, you can build habits that short-circuit the spiral. If you’re still emotionally spinning long after the moment has passed, it’s not the event. It’s your narrative. Your body’s already moved on. Has your brain?

🤔 REFLECT on an idea.

Know what you can control, and give yourself permission to observe what you can’t. Emotions like stress, anxiety, sadness, fear, and confusion are all normal human responses. Not a weakness. Your body is biologically wired to produce these emotions. What you can control is what you choose to think: the story you tell yourself, and the thought you choose to focus on. That’s a choice.

😊 SMILE a little.

Body: “Okay, we’re fine now.”
Brain: “Whoa… hold up. 'Fine' is for amateurs. I’m already halfway through creating the villainous soundtrack for the Netflix miniseries about what just happened.”

✅ DO IT to get results.

Build this as a habit, because most extraordinary success comes from doing the most ordinary things really well and really consistently. So next time you recognise those impulsive emotions flaring, try this 90-Second Rule. This simple habit gives you a leadership edge when pressure hits.

• Pause. Don’t react, resist, or suppress. Give yourself time and mental space.

• Breathe. Focus on deep breaths or the ticking clock for 90 seconds.

• Name the emotion. “I’m feeling frustration” (not the same as “I am frustrated”).

• Respond, don’t react. Once the surge passes, choose your next move calmly.

🌱 How we can support you and your team.

We provide strategic leadership solutions tailored to align with your business strategy, size, and budget. We can support your with:

• 1:1 Leadership and Performance Coaching

• Team Coaching, for high performing teams

• 1:1 Health & Lifestyle Coaching for busy stressed leaders.

• Workshops, offsites and team development.

• Or our flagship individual Leadership Coaching Programs.

Kia pai tō wiki

Kenny Bhosale

CEO & Founder, The Bridge Leaders